One fine day I decided to write myself into a TDS episode as an uber-indie filmmaker discussing the behind-the-scenes secrets of my home movie about visiting Los Angeles for the first time. My fondest dream was to conjure up the kind of A-level banter Jon always has with say, a Denis Leary, if you will. I loved whenever Denis Leary showed up on TDS. It always made me entire week. Anyway, I was practically married to Jon in my mind and we were total dorks about our little interview. It gives me the squee even today.
"The Role-Play Virus Heads North," August 22, 2007
"Okay, you know your part," I say as I run to hide in the dining room. I peek around the corner and look at Jon, who's all set up at the nook table, dressed to the nines in a smart suit and striped tie. I smile at him. "Now do your thing!" I add, then hide again. Jon nods, then turns and addresses an imaginary camera. "Tonight's guest is a notorious worshipper of the kind of idols Moses and the God of Abraham had no way of knowing would flood the market of religion. She recently produced, directed, shot and edited a short film, From the Gulf to Glendale, which documents her trip to the coastal Mecca we know as Hollywood. If only God had caught a few episodes of Entertainment Tonight, she might have been saved. Please welcome... My wife! Caity!" I step out from behind the wall and smile radiantly as I approach the nook table, er, Jon's desk, and have him kiss my cheek in welcome. "Please have a seat, thank you for being here," he says as we settle in. I reach over the desk and grab his fidgety hand and smile. "Jon, technically, I'm your kallah--fiancée--not quite your wife." Jon shrugs and smiles. "You know I'm the hopeful type." "I know," I say with a laugh. "You may respectfully dream on, though." "Oh thank you, Caity, ever so much. So, you adhere to the faith you lovingly call the Convent of Hollywood--which I believe is one of the big three religions out there, along with Scientology and Jedi." "Yep. I have practiced something akin to that since high school." "And this movie you shot from the front seat of your famous movie producer Katrina's car... was it a conscious choice to make it so raw and let's say... unscripted-" "Dirt cheap." "I wasn't gonna go there since you have the authority to kick me out of bed tonight-" "Never." "Okay, so, dirt cheap and handheld and Real-World-esque... this was the plan from the beginning." "Well, I and my famous actress friend Connie only had enough money to fly out to LAX, rent a car to drive to Glendale and feed ourselves for a week, so having a camera and a few DV tapes was a bonus." "Ya know, Peter Jackson would call a couple hundred extra CG shots of a raging monkey he found under his couch cushions a bonus, whereas you uhhh... leapt up and down at the concept of having lunch at Pink's." "That's right." "It's a very personal journey, I gotta say. And fairly educational as well. I mean, to see that Fred Astaire's abode consisted of only a gate, I mean, that's heart-breaking." "Yeah, you'd think being so famous he could afford at least a lean-to or something." "A pup tent." "A cardboard refrigerator box." "If that. Poor poor wonderful man." "While we were at the Paley Center for Media, we discovered an episode of Battlestar Gallactica in which Fred guest starred." "Oh, well that explains the gate, then." "Yeah, down on his luck near the end." "So tell me about Grauman's... As you walked around filming all those hand and footprints, and then you placed your hands in those of Cary Grant's and Doug Fairbanks... what did you feel? I mean, other than someone's abc gum stuck to your palm?" I giggle. "Actually, I felt wet." Jon is taken aback and blushes. "Oh my, I'm not sure we can discuss this on cable, even," he says, then leans forward with his head in his hands. "But please, go on." I lean in and wink at Jon. "They wash the cement everyday." "Damnit, I thought I had discovered a secret turn-on. I was gonna run out and buy some quikrete and make an indentation of my pupik for you." "You should absolutely do that."