Honestly, I'd rather overhear someone say this about me than "That single mother takes better care of her orchids than she does her own child." Which is how it would be. You know it. I know it.
Today's topic is brought to you by my overwhelming disgust on Friday, followed hard upon by tearful hope on Saturday. Ever since November, I've avoided watching or reading THE NEWSMEDIA and enveloping myself in a protective sphere of quiet introversion to break the constant waves of nausea rising within me. But I couldn't avoid it during the goddamn inauguration, because it was everywhere and when there's a disturbance in The Force this big, all you can hear in your heart is millions of voices suddenly... rising up.
Enter the Women's March yesterday. What a relief and inspiration to see so many people turn out around the world to protest the past election cycle's focus on insults to everyone's human rights. But mostly women, let's face it. Tromp is a taintstain and will forever be known as the president who derives pleasure from grabbing pussy.
Both a lady's comic and Ian McKellan have spurred me to finally organize my opinions on reproductive rights. They are, simply, that women have reproductive rights.
I am fortunate that in this country, I, as a woman, can decide whether or not to use birth control. I can decide whether or not I want to be a mother, and if the latter is true, when to be a mother. I am fortunate that surgeries and procedures exist to either prevent or assist in conception. I live in America, where adopting a child is not only possible, but respected.
In America, right now, I am still able to legally seek out a safe abortion, albeit after jumping through fiery hoops (waiting periods, fees, being forced to transvaginal ultrasounds, burying the aborted fetus, threats from bystanders outside of clinics, etc). From a woman's perspective, these restrictions are just going to make the experience more traumatizing than it inherently is. No woman seeks an abortion lightly. If she has come to this conclusion, it's what she damn well wants, because, believe me, women have hearts, emotions, morals, and religious beliefs to consider, just like non-vagina-owning humans. It's not easy, and it's not ideal, but sometimes, it's the only choice a woman has.
I once saw the film 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days. Every politician (male and female of all leanings with any clout in the abortion issue) should be made to watch this. It's about a woman in 1980's Communist Romania who is trying to obtain an illegal abortion. It is harrowing for the characters and stomach-churning for viewers. I am sure it would change some minds, but also harden others to the concept of abortion. But what it proved to me was that there are profound dangers for women who seek illegal abortions in this world, and the least we can do is provide the safest version of this controversial procedure as possible. I'd rather live in a country where abortion is legal than not.
Another film that informs my viewpoint is Love with a Proper Stranger. It stars Natalie Wood and Steve McQueen and shows what happens in 1968 when you don't use birth control and consider a backroom abortion. Big surprise: it's not an easy decision, even on the silvery Hollywood big screen. This film makes me thankful not only for safe legal abortions, but for easily accessible birth control methods in this day and age.
Both of these things--birth control and abortions--are available through Planned Parenthood. But if our current administration cuts funding, not for long. As a woman who has decided not to have children, I want all women to have the same choice I have. I want them to be respected in their choice. I want them to be given pre-natal vitamins and counseling on raising a child they want to be a healthy, productive citizen. I want them to receive condoms and pills and advice on how to get ready for the day they DO want children. I want them to be able to safely, legally terminate a pregnancy if they deem it best for their well-being. These are the most personal choices any person has, and everyone else should butt the hell out.
Whatever I do with my body does not effect anyone else's choice. My taking The Pill does not prevent others from having children. My having an abortion does not prevent others from having children. Until the day science comes up with an artificial womb, women are both burdened and honored with the ability to choose about creating life. Nature herself will abort more children (we call them miscarriages) than we'll ever know.
I hope I never have to get an abortion. It's not something I would ever look forward to. But if I find myself pregnant, I will seek one out. Because it's the last thing I want for myself, or the resulting child.
It wasn't always my ideal to remain child-free. When I was younger, I fell into the societal expectation of and young girl and had some motherly instincts. I doted on pets and learned homemaking skills and thought up baby names for my future kids. I'm not sure where along the line exactly that inherent urge faded away, but it was over a long period. It started with not wanting to give birth, which haunts me more every time I hear stories about it from friends. Then I gave up on adoption until I was older--like 35 or 40. Then the idea of kids just lost all appeal after a while, especially after I got a taste of travel outside of my relatively podunk hometown in Florida.
I visited big cities, left the U.S. a few times, met people and had experiences that I will never forget. I never would have been able to have done those things if I had settled down in my 20s and started up a family. If I started up a family now--what a joke as a single woman with only a modestly middle class income--I would probably never be able to do those things again until... I died and got my ashes jettisoned into space. If I got pregnant now and kept the child, I would definitely have to give up my home and all the accoutrements I have earned for myself. I'd be living in an apartment or a very tiny home and I'd have to get a second job and rely on parents for assistance if an emergency came up. I'd feel obligated to date just so I could "land a man" who could take care of us, and that is completely against all my instincts as a feminist. If I got pregnant, then gave up the child for adoption, I'd be weighed down with all kinds of hospital and doctor bills and I'd have to live with the fact that that child could grow up wanting to meet me someday and I wouldn't want that. The child could be adopted by assholes. The child would not be wanted. And no one wants to be unwanted.
A few years ago, when I was finally dating someone whom I planned to marry, all I got from women (mothers my age or older) was "Oh you'll change your mind" or "Oh he'll change your mind." Neither of us wanted children, so we took steps to prevent that from ever being a problem. After my marriage fell through, and I was dealing with serious feelings of disappointment and heartbreak, what I heard as a single 34-year-old is "Well, at least you didn't have kids" or "Good thing you weren't pregnant." Oh really, now?
It's totally cool to push children onto a married couple, but the moment they don't work out, it's good that they didn't have kids after all because... we're all thinking it... it would have been terrible for a child to experience. Divorce. The aftermath of all that. I see it everyday around me... co-workers and friends whose marriages ended and how they have to struggle with raising their children on their own. It's the toughest thing to think about, let alone live through everyday.
Yes. It would have been terrible for the child if I had one. Maybe perhaps that's one of the reasons I don't want a child? Because I could have given birth only to fuck up their life because I understand myself and that I don't want anymore responsibilities than I already have because I'm a weird creative type who likes to be alone and any child requiring my full attention would drive me bonkers and perhaps become a terrible parent? Yeah. Perhaps. I. Knew. What. I. Was. Doing.
There are plenty of perfectly respectable reasons not to have children. For me, it's simply that I don't need/want that responsibility to feel fulfilled in life. Some people just don't have the fortitude to have children (some people THINK they have the fortitude to have children and then suck at parenting). But the other side of that coin is that some people don't have the fortitude to be child-free. I am happier not raising a brood than I ever would be with one. I just ask that that choice be as respected as motherhood. I ask that all women be respected. Period.
