The first half of this play is a telenovela, and the second half is a straight up rip-off of the Henriad. I did not hate it. In fact, it was vast improvement on the last play and because it was written somewhere between Richard III and Richard II it felt like Shakespeare experimenting with making his histories better. If at least some of this was written by him (and most scholars agree), then it was definitely old Billy working out the kinks of what would become Henry V.
Acts I and II were mostly concerned with King Edward stupidly using his dick as a divining rod to pursue the Countess of Salisbury. I cannot overemphasize how stupid (but entertaining!) this was, considering that the King had WAY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS to deal with in his country (invasion and foreign war!) but Shakespeare and Lizzo know that men are great until they gotta be great. The best part was when the Countess aggressively friend-zoned him and he suddenly snapped out of it and decided to go to France. I cheered. Unfortunately, rumor has it that Edward IRL did in fact force himself on some unwitting ladies back in the day and Shakespeare's Countess could just be a fictional one who managed to fight him off. In that case, good on William for not making her yet another addition to Edward's conquests.
The remainder of the play is ever-building drama toward English victory in France, spurred by naught but the argument against the dumbshittery of the Salic Law (sound familiar?) and The Black Prince's formidable prowess in battle. How did this guy ever sire Richard II? Oh well, as a prequel to all the fun we get to have with the Henriad, one could do worse.
ACT I
At the palace in London, King Edward, his son Prince Edward, and some nobleman greet Artois, a Lord from France who has defected. For this, Edward deems Artois Earl of Richmond. Artois says that King Philip of France has died and has no male issue, only Isabella, who happens to be King Edward's mother. Artois informs him that John of the House of Valois has ascended the throne in France, because they obey the Salic Law that only recognizes male heirs. King Edward is obviously miffed, since he feels he is the rightful King of France now. A Messenger comes and says the French Duke of Lorraine wishes to have an audience. He comes in and says that Valois offers Edward the Dukedom of Guyenne, and if he shows up to claim his prize in 40 days and kiss his ass, all will be well. King Edward laughs. Lorraine says this is defiance. Edward says this is war. Artois tells Lorraine to surrender, Lorraine says fuck off, you traitor, and leaves in a huff. Sir William Montague enters with a report from the North: Newcastle has been lost to King David II of Scotland, and he's currently holing up at Roxborough castle, with the Countess of Salisbury as captive. Warwick says that's his daughter. The King orders Audley and his son "Ned" to head to France for war while he goes north to deal with the Scots. The Black Prince says "As cheerful sounding to my youthful spleen This tumult is of war's increasing broils" and rushes to battle.
Meanwhile, the Countess of Salibury is prisoner in her own castle, fretting about when her cousin Montague might rescue her. She hides herself when King David, Douglas, and Lorraine enter to talk shop. King David orders Lorraine, who is apparently now allied with Scotland, to take York. Douglas says he wants the Countess (or at least her jewels) as a spoil of war. King David says slow down bro. A Messenger announces that King Edward is speeding toward the castle as they speak. The Countess reveals herself and makes fun of them and says she will inform Edward about their plans. All the Scots flee like Keystone Kops and Montague enters from below to say King Edward is here! The Countess speaks to them from her perch on the wall of the castle. Warwick is happy to see her unharmed. King Edward's little Edward is happy to see her as well. The Countess is polite as one should be in the presence of the King, but he suddenly gets poetic an they both exchange rhyming couplets like fools. The Countess gives a long and pretty oratory, which totally persuades (not that he needed persuasion) the King to stay overnight:
Let not thy presence, like the April sun,
Flatter our earth and suddenly be done.
More happy do not make our outward wall
Than thou wilt grace our inner house withal.
Our house, my liege, is like a Country swain,
Whose habit rude and manners blunt and plain
Presageth nought, yet inly beautified
With bounties, riches and faire hidden pride.
For where the golden Ore doth buried lie,
The ground, undecked with nature's tapestry,
Seems barren, sere, unfertile, fructless, dry;
And where the upper turf of earth doth boast
His pied perfumes and party coloured coat,
Delve there, and find this issue and their pride
To spring from ordure and corruption's side.
But, to make up my all too long compare,
These ragged walls no testimony are,
What is within; but, like a cloak, doth hide
From weather's Waste the under garnished pride.
More gracious then my terms can let thee be,
Intreat thy self to stay a while with me.
ACT II
Lodwick, the King's secretary, is starting to notice that Edward has his eye on the Countess. The King enters and asks Lodwick to take dictation while he works out what poetry he has in his mind for the Countess. He spends quite a bit of time revising his letter, just as he revises in his heart and loins what he's feeling toward her. Nonetheless, he comes up with some impressive verse:
The nightingale sings of adulterate wrong,
And that, compared, is too satyrical;
For sin, though sin, would not be so esteemed,
But, rather, virtue sin, sin virtue deemed.
Her hair, far softer than the silk worm's twist,
Like to a flattering glass, doth make more fair
The yellow Amber:--like a flattering glass
Comes in too soon; for, writing of her eyes,
I'll say that like a glass they catch the sun,
And thence the hot reflection doth rebound
Against the breast, and burns my heart within.
Ah, what a world of descant makes my soul
Upon this voluntary ground of love!--
Come, Lodowick, hast thou turned thy ink to gold?
If not, write but in letters Capital
My mistress' name, and it will gild thy paper:
Read, Lord, read;Fill thou the empty hollows of mine ears
With the sweet hearing of thy poetry.
He insists Lodwick not mention chastity for the obvious reasons. So then the Countess meets with Edward, who draws out a teasing flirtation with her, making double entendres ad nauseum, until she realizes what he truly wants. The Countess is flabbergasted, and she says she could never dishonor herself or her husband how dare the King even ask and she leaves him.
Warwick comes then and asks why his majesty is so low. Edward draws out an oath from poor loyal Warwick to do whatever is necessary to lift the King's spirits and he drops a bomb in his lap: tell your daughter to succumb to me. The King ducks out, leaving Warwick, jaw on the floor, to contemplate what he's just promised to do. Warwick is clearly appalled by the King's proposal, but rather than lose his own integrity and NOT ask his daughter to sleep with Edward, he hopes that she alone decides to uphold her promise to her husband and not cave to the KING.
Warwick goes to his daughter, shamefully and sheepishly. He tries to level with her gently, but she can't believe what she's hearing from both her King and her own father. Thanks a lot DAD. Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. WTF. #METOO
Derby and Audley bring news from the armies and Edward brushes them off, his mind (and little brain) too distracted with his lust. He gets all emo for a bit and then the Prince arrives. The King muses on how his son looks so much like his mother and he suddenly hates his wife. He tells his son to advance to France and do his thing. Lodwick says that the Countess wishes to speak to him. They talk alone, and he continues to press her to be loyal to her sovereign. She equivocates, but eventually says that only Edward's wife and her husband stand in the way of their love. Edward says he'll kill them both and she appears to agree, but then she turns on him with two daggers and threatens to kill herself with one so he can kill his wife with the other.
Here by my side doth hang my wedding knifes:
Take thou the one, and with it kill thy Queen,
And learn by me to find her where she lies;
And with this other I'll dispatch my love,
Which now lies fast a sleep within my heart:
When they are gone, then I'll consent to love.
Stir not, lascivious king, to hinder me;
My resolution is more nimbler far,
Than thy prevention can be in my rescue,
And if thou stir, I strike; therefore, stand still,
And hear the choice that I will put thee to:
Either swear to leave thy most unholy suit
And never hence forth to solicit me;
Or else, by heaven, this sharp pointed knife
Shall stain thy earth with that which thou would stain,
My poor chaste blood. Swear, Edward, swear,
Or I will strike and die before thee here.
DAMN girl way to go! Edward is moved by this display and is totally impressed by her "true English" heart. He shakes himself out of his hormonal fog and calls his men back so they can return to the business of statecraft.
Gotta love the Countess. She knows what's what in this man's world.
ACT III
King John of France chills with his two sons, Charles (Normandy) and Philip, while he goes over the the battle plans with Lorraine. They scoff at the English and are pretty sure the French will be victorious, especially since they kick ass on the sea. Also, they have their allies, Bohemia, the Danes, the Poles, and even a sprinkling of Muscovites to bolster their ranks. Speak of the devil, all those dudes arrive and talk shit about kicking England's ass Then a Mariner shows up to burst their bubble: England has already landed on their coast, having defeated the French ships, and Edward is already adding the Fleur-de-lis to his flag, like a total upstart dick. King John sends Charles, Lorraine, and his allies out to fight while he interviews Philip as to why Edward thinks he can make his claim. Philip says Edward's got nothing, which is a total lie, and John says "Great! Let's eat then!" A few moments later, the Mariner returns and delivers a rather grim report of how shit the situation actually is. John's buzz is killed again.
In Picardy, the French commoners are freaking right out and preparing to flee as Edward's armies are entering Crécy. A Woman mentions a prophecy that a lion from the west will carry the symbol of France and this will bode unwell. A random Frenchman barges in to scream that Edward and his son are on their way and they need to get the hell out of Dodge.
In the fields near Crécy, King Edward, Derby, his army, and a random Frenchman, Gobin, gather. Gobin had informed them as to how best to attack so Edward hands him 500 marks in gold. Artois comes to announce Prince Edward's arrival. The Black Prince reports that they have taken several cities and that he saw the King of France on his way with 100,000 fighting men. Just then, King John enters with his entourage of allies and whatnot. John says he comes to spit in Edward's face and calls him a fugitive and a pirate. Edward claps back with "I am rubber, you are glue." He calls him Valois, not King. Prince Edward adds his invective and says their quarrel is just and he presents his case about his father's French parentage. Prince Philip argues they should get on with the fight before it gets dark and mom calls them in for dinner. They all prepare, not least of which, Prince Edward, who is ceremoniously handed a shield, and sword, a helmet and everything like Perseus himself. King Edward says that if he wins this battle, the Prince will be knighted.
Prince Edward chases a bunch of Frenchman and King John and Lorraine piss themselves.
King Edwards asks Audley for the low-down on his son's progress, and everyone is really worried because he appeared in want of aid. Edward contends that his son must win without aid, so he can honorably gain his title. Derby and Audley fret that the Prince will die, surely, but then all of a sudden, the Prince comes back, dragging the dead King of Bohemia with him, victorious as hell. King Edward, puffed with pride, knights his son then and there with his bloody sword. Edward gives his men orders to pursue King John and finish this shit.
ACT IV
At the English camp, the Earl of Mountford says he pledges allegiance to Salisbury as Edward's representative. Salisbury is fine with this, but it's gonna be hard to cross French lands to Calais without immunity, so he asks Villers, his prisoner, to request a visa from the Duke of Normandy in exchange for his freedom. Villers promises to do so and rides off to his task.
King Edward and his army have set up a siege of Calais, hoping to starve the French out of the city. Six half-dead Frenchmen who have been ousted from the city for being unable to fight beg for food and Edward feeds them. Lord Percy delivers the happy news that Edward's Queen has defeated the Scots but the dickhead who captured King David refuses to give him up. The Queen is to arrive soon. A French Captain comes to say they will surrender if Edward lets everyone live. Edward is pissed, saying that when he was in a similar situation and made the same plea, he was rejected, so he's in no mood to be nice. He demands that the six richest men in the city come to him in rags and he'll consider being nicer. The Captain contemplates how they would have surrendered sooner had King John not promised to come, but alas, he is still not there.
At the French camp near Poitiers, Villiers brings Salisbury's request to the Duke of Normandy and Normandy is dumbstruck at Villiers' promise, telling him that his promise to an Englishman be damned; now that he's free, there's nothing keeping him from not going back. Villiers stands on his honor, however, and the Duke, being impressed by Villier's integrity, gives Villiers the visa after all and sends him away. King John meets up with his son, ready for battle. They talk about the prophecy re: flintstones coming up from the earth to defeat them, but John points out that it's clearly impossible for stones to rise up out of the earth on their own so the prophecy is total bullshit. John says the French have greater numbers, and he can't wait to capture Prince Edward and his father.
Audley and Prince Edward are surrounded by the French, and despite the ominous situation, Prince Edward says that it's just a matter of changing your perspective on things:
Death's name is much more mighty than his deeds;
Thy parcelling this power hath made it more.
As many sands as these my hands can hold,
Are but my handful of so many sands;
Then, all the world, and call it but a power,
Easily ta'en up, and quickly thrown away:
But if I stand to count them sand by sand,
The number would confound my memory,
And make a thousand millions of a task,
Which briefly is no more, indeed, than one.
These quarters, squadrons, and these regiments,
Before, behind us, and on either hand,
Are but a power. When we name a man,
His hand, his foot, his head hath several strengths;
And being all but one self instant strength,
Why, all this many, Audley, is but one,
And we can call it all but one man's strength.
He that hath far to go, tells it by miles;
If he should tell the steps, it kills his heart:
The drops are infinite, that make a flood,
And yet, thou knowest, we call it but a Rain.
There is but one France, one king of France,
That France hath no more kings; and that same king
Hath but the puissant legion of one king,
And we have one: then apprehend no odds,
For one to one is fair equality.
A French Herald from King John shows up to says King John will spare him if he yields one hundred knights. Edwards says fuck off. Another Herald--this time from the Duke of Normandy--comes and cheekily offers a horse for Edward to escape the field and Edward resents the implication of cowardice. The Herald from Prince Philip offers a prayer book, because he thinks Edward really needs it right now. Prince Edward sends him away, tired of this bullying. Audley says they shouldn't fear death:
If, then, we hunt for death, why do we fear it?
If we fear it, why do we follow it?
If we do fear, how can we shun it?
If we do fear, with fear we do but aide
The thing we fear to seize on us the sooner:
If we fear not, then no resolved proffer
Can overthrow the limit of our fate;
For, whether ripe or rotten, drop we shall,
As we do draw the lottery of our doom.
The Black Prince says that the old man's words have thrown a "thousand thousand armours" upon him.
Now some weird shit happens at the French camp: the sky grows dark and a massive number of ravens have arrived. King John tries to calm his sons by saying the ravens are only arriving to pick the bones of the English soldiers they are about to slay. The French Captain drags Salisbury to the King and he orders that he be hanged, even though he says he holds "a tree in France too good To be the gallows of an English thief." The Duke of Normandy pipes up and says actually he gave Salisbury safe passage and it would be dishonorable if he didn't keep his word. King John is appalled at his son for holding his word to an fucking Englishman over his own loyalty to his father. They quarrel a bit until John finally lets Salisbury go if only to tell King Edward that he will kill his son soon.
Prince Edward and Artois are assessing the damage of the battle. While the English archers have done a decent job, they are totally surrounded by French. Edward suggests they start throwing flint stones.
King John, on the other hand, is confused and distraught byhow his army is suddenly fleeing the onslaught. The Duke of Normandy tells him that the French are so scared shitless that they're turning upon each other. Prince Phillip wishes to pluck out his eyes to not see such shameful behavior. King John says man up, assholes, we're going in for one last charge!
Audley gets wounded and two esquires drag him to safety.
Prince Edward captures King John and Prince Charles and boasts about his victory until Artois comes to add Prince Philip to the collection of prisoners. Then Audley arrives, thinking he is near death, and Prince Edward offers him a great reward of land to both him and his servants for their bravery. They make for Calais.
ACT V
At the English camp, King Edward's Queen Phillipe arrives with Derby and some soldiers. The Queen hints that Edward should be merciful to Copland, the soldier who captured King David and hasn't turned him over yet. Six rich French citizens dressed in rags stumble out of Calais and beg mercy from King Edward, who is still not in a good mood. Queen Phillipe convinces him to take a chill pill and let the men live and he caves. Then Copland comes, dragging King David with him. Copland admits that he only held the prisoner because by his honor, he felt only he should personally hand David over and not through FedEx or whatever. King Edward begs forgiveness from everyone for his hotheadedness. Salisbury comes to give Edward Mountford's coronet and report that the last he saw of him, Prince Edward was surrounded by French and he might as well be considered dead. They all start crying, but then Prince Edward bursts in with his captives, and everyone is overjoyed and everything is fine. The Black Prince has a taste for battle now and wants more, but his dad says they're done fighting for the day and they're all going to head home now, no ifs, ands, or buts. Perhaps they'll stop at Pizza Hut if they're really well-behaved.
Alright! That's it for the plays. I have decided to opt out of the Double Falsehood/Cardenio controversy for now, since I just cannot take anymore half-Will plays at this point and my energies are much better spent on all the superior poetry that shall finish out my year. Well, that's not entirely true; I still have a few passages of Sir Thomas More to read but that shouldn't be so bad.
Comments