We all know the old story about how Queen Elizabeth saw the Henry IV plays and loved Falstaff so much that she ordered Shakespeare to write an entire play about "Falstaff in love" and she demanded it be finished within fourteen days. I mean, it certainly reads that way. It's as light as a sponge cake and the "Falstaff" featured is slap-dash at best, with Harold Bloom calling him an "imposter masquerading as the great Sir John Falstaff." He's not wrong. This jolly fat man seems to have been lobotomized, for he hath no wit about him compared to Hal's old drinking buddy. Also, the other characters known to us--Bardolph, Mistress Quickly, Nym, Pistol--bare only a passing resemblance to their Henry IV personas. Does Mistress Quickly moonlight as a French Doctor's housemaid part-time to make up for all of Falstaff's unpaid sack bills at her Inn? That's the only explanation I can think of.
Merry Wives has approximately two layers: Falstaff "in love" and the subplot of a young woman, Anne Page, trying to figure out who to marry amongst the random suitors skulking around Windsor. First off, Falstaff is about as genuinely amorous as Richard III was for the Anne he wooed, and you wouldn't know that Anne Page were even alive for all the personality she has. It's a wonder so many guys are chasing after her. At Least Mistress Quickly seems to be getting some extra cash out of all the gossip she facilitates among the group.
For being as ridiculous and low-stakes as it is, Merry Wives does provide a glimpse into everyday peasant life, where Welsh Pastors, French doctors, and apparently Germans are running about southern England on a regular basis. All of them are fodder for stereotypical jokes, which probably pleased the groundlings plenty.
In the first scene we encounter several familiar faces from the Henry IV plays: Justice Shallow, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and of course, Falstaff himself. Shallow and his nephew Slender are complaining about Falstaff to the Welsh parson Sir Hugh Evans. They also gossip about how great a match Slender would be for the young Anne Page when her father George Page enters. Then Falstaff comes over with his crew and the other men accuse him of mischief. Falstaff only admits to poaching deer. Page invites everyone to dinner for the sake of being friends, but Slender is shy and doesn't know what to say in front of Anne, so he backs out. Anne comes in and requests he join the party and he makes irrelevant remarks and acts a fool until Page insists he come inside.
Evans later asks Simple, Slender's servant, to deliver a letter to Mistress Quickly to let her know that Slender is suitor to Anne Page.
At the Garter Inn, Falstaff says he is broke and cannot pay Bardolph anymore, so he dismisses him so he can be a tapster for the Host at the Inn. Falstaff then muses on what fraud he may devise in order to raise money. He tells Nym and Pistol that both Mistress Page and Mistress Ford were eyeing him during dinner, so he decides that he can seduce them and take their money. He asks Nym and Pistol to carry a letter to each of the married women and when they both refuse, he yells at them and has the page Robin bring the letters instead. Nym and Pistol want revenge on Falstaff so they agree to inform on him and his plans.
When Simple brings Evans' letter to Mistress Quickly, she nags him for more info on who the hell Slender is. Dr. Caius returns to the house and anticipating that he will be pissed to see a stranger in his house, Quickly hides Simple in the closet. In search of some "simples" (potions and herbs) in the closet, Caius finds Simple instead and is indeed outraged. Simple blurts out that he was only delivering a letter re: Anne Page's suitor and Caius immediately writes his own letter, as he desires Anne Page as well. Quickly nods and says Caius is sure to win Anne's hand, even though she knows well enough that's not the case. A random named Fenton arrives and inquires with Quickly about his suit for Anne Page. She nods and says it's going well, even though she doesn't believe that either, but at least she's getting paid to pass on the gossip.
Having re-read Falstaff's letter, Mistress Page is incensed. Her friend Mistress Ford comes in, waving around a letter she also received from Falstaff. They compare notes and they find the letters are exactly the same with different names pencilled in. They can't believe his gall and slink off to come up with a plan. Ford comes home with Pistol, who was just warning him about Falstaff's intentions with Mistress Ford. Nym is doing the same with Page. Ford takes Pistol at his word but Page is skeptical, seeing how both Pistol and Nym are Falstaff's recently sacked men. The Host from the Inn comes to tell them that Evans and Caius are about to duel over Anne Page's hand. Ford pays the Host to introduce him to Falstaff in disguise as a man named "Brook" so he may secretly suss out Falstaff's plans.
Pistol begs to Falstaff for some money but Falstaff is like "Hell no, bro!" when Quickly brings a message to Falstaff from both Mistress Page and Mistress Ford. Mistress Ford's letter says her husband will be out of the house from 10-11 the next day and Mistress Page's letter says she hopes to find a moment when her husband is absent so they can arrange a tryst. Falstaff sends Robin over to Page as requested. Bardolph enters to introduce "Brook" who explains that he has eyes for Mistress Ford and needs assistance wooing her and how he will pay Falstaff great sums of cash if he helps him in the romance department. Falstaff enthusiastically agrees, saying he was about to "woo" Ford anyway, so he could put in a good word. "Brook" is appalled that his wife is meeting with other men and he plans to disrupt their 10 o'clock rendezvous.
Caius waits for Evans to show up in a field outside windsor, but Page, Slender, and Shallow show up to tell him that he should just go to Frogmore because that's where Anne Page has gone, but that's actually where Evans is waiting for Caius.
At Frogmore, Evans sings to himself to bolster his gall when Shallow, Slender, and Page arrive to say they want to clear up this whole fight with Caius. The Host drags Caius in and Evans and Caius bristle, lobbing insults, but the Host fesses up about how he purposely told them to go to different places in order to avoid the duel. The Host leaves and Evans and Caius promise to be friends so they can plot a revenge on the Host.
Mistress Page, with Robin in tow, meets Ford on their way to hang with Mistress Ford. When he finds out that Robin used to be Falstaff's serving boy, he believes Page to be a moron to allow Robin to associate with his wife. The blasted duel party comes down the street and Ford tells them he will prove Page an idiot by bringing them all to his house to catch his wife in the act of meeting with Falstaff. Evans, Caius, and Page go with him while with the rest go off to find Anne Page.
Mistress Ford and Mistress Page tell the servants that when they ask them to take out the laundry, they dump its contents straight into the ditch without delay. Mistress Page hides as Falstaff enters. He awkwardly starts in on his "wooing" of Mistress Ford and of course Robin bursts in just in time to say that Mistress Page is coming. Falstaff freaks out and wants to hide so Mistress Page doesn't know he's "cheating" on her so he ducks behind the arras. Mistress Page tells Mistress Ford that Ford is coming down the road with his gang and Mistress Ford reveals that a man is actually here in secret. Mistress Page winks and suggests the man hide in the laundry basket and when Falstaff appears, she berates him. The servants do as they're told with the basket just as Ford and everyone else enter to search the house. They find nothing and the two wives tsk-tsk Ford for being so suspicious. Mistress Ford and Mistress Page plan more tricks on Falstaff, Ford invites everyone for dinner, Page can't wait to mock Ford in the morning, and Evans and Caius confirm that they must do something about the Host.
Fenton and Anne Page chat together and Fenton frets that her father will never approve of a match with him, but Anne encourages him to keep trying. As Slender approaches Anne tells Fenton that her father likes Slender only because he's minted. Slender comes over and makes a sad attempt at wooing her. Slender admits that he wouldn't be trying to win her if it wasn't for his uncle and her father's wishes. Page sees them and invites them to come in but he tells Fenton to fuck off. Fenton pleads his case to Mistress Page and Anne begs not to be matched with Slender, but then Mistress Page chooses Dr. Caius as Anne's suitor. Mistress Quickly reassures Fenton that Anne likes him best thanks to her intervention.
Dripping with mud, Falstaff returns to the Inn, boisterously insisting on a cup of sack. Quickly comes with a message from Mistress Ford apologizing for how their meet-up went down, but that Ford would be gone again the next morning so they can try again. "Brook" joins him to ask how their plan is going and Falstaff recounts the misadventure but there's still another date planned. Ford is livid that he was fooled and swears that he will catch Falstaff next time.
As Mistress Page is leading her young son William to school, Evans sees them and says that school is cancelled for the day (due to plague perhaps? *wink wink*). Mistress Page requests that Evans quiz William on his Latin and they make a number of very dorky jokes about declensions and conjugations and whatnot while Mistress Quickly thinks it all sounds like vulgarities and takes offense to the fact that children are being taught such rude words.
At Ford's house, a reenactment of the day before occurs when Falstaff arrives to woo and Ford is about to arrive with his guys. Falstaff hilariously refuses to do the basket thing again when it's suggested. All they can do is dress him up in a muumuu and pretend he is the fat woman of Brainford, whom Ford despises and thinks is an actual witch. They send out the laundry basket again and Ford ransacks it, thinking Falstaff is inside. When he's proven wrong, Ford's friends think he's off his rocker. Then the Falstaff in drag comes downstairs and Ford loses his shit and beats "her" out of the house. Evans comments that she must be a witch because only a witch would have such a beard. the Mistresses meanwhile laugh it all off and resolve to tell their husbands the whole backstory of this farce.
Back at the Garter Inn, Bardolph informs the Host that the Germans who have taken over the entire Inn want to borrow some horses because the German Duke is coming soon. They joke about "zee Germans" and plan to charge them extra for everything.
At Ford's house, the Mistresses have explained everything to their husbands and they all have a good chuckle about it. Ford says he'll never suspect his wife's loyalty ever again and they all hatch a plot to get back at Falstaff one last time. They will tell Falstaff to go to the woods at midnight dressed as a local legend from folklore, Herne the Hunter, horns and all, and everyone else will dress as fairies and will pinch and slap the bejesus out of him. Evans volunteers his schoolchildren as fairies. Anne Page will be the Queen of the fairies. Page tells Slender that in the midst of the confusion, he will know Anne by her white dress and he can steal her away. Mistress Page tells Caius that Anne will be in green, so he will know which is the true Anne to steal away.
Simple arrives at the Inn seeking Falstaff but the Host doesn't think he's there as he's only seen a fat woman go upstairs. Falstaff then comes down to deal with Simple's shit. Bardolph rushes in to say that zee Germans have stolen the horses but the Host doesn't believe him until Evans comes in saying, "Hey, just so you know, there's a bunch of German conmen hanging around town" and Caius comes to say there's no German Duke at court. The Host freaks out and goes off to find the conmen just as Quickly arrives to deliver the letter to Falstaff asking him to go to the woods at midnight with horns on his head.
Fenton catches the Host and offers more money than the horses were worth if the Host helps him get a priest prepped for a quick marriage to Anne. He and Anne have planned for him to spirit her away during the chaos of the Herne the Hunter shindig in the woods.
Mistress Quickly assists Falstaff in collecting the accoutrements for his cosplay. "Brook" arrives and Falstaff tells him he'll be in the woods at midnight.
Page, Shallow, and Slender hide in a ditch and make sure Slender remembers which one is Anne when the time comes. Mistress Page meets Caius and reminds him what Anne will be wearing, then she meets up with Mistress Ford and head to the woods. Evans has dressed up as a satyr and coaches his schoolchildren on how to be fairies on their way to the big oak in the woods.
Everyone descends on the big oak. Falstaff fancies himself to be Jupiter due to all the transformations he's made for the sake of romance. The Mistresses find him and he says they should "divide" him like a piece of meat. They suddenly hear horns and the ladies flee in "fear," leaving Falstaff standing there like a schmuck. He's confused as hell until fairies show up and then he's terrified. They all dance and jump around him, burning him with their candles and pinching his backside, abusing him about his lechery. Caius and Slender each make off with their respective pseudo-Annes while Fenton takes the real one to the priest. Horns blast again and the fairies leave and The Fords and The Pages all hang back, mocking Falstaff into the ground. Falstaff pretends that he knew they all weren't "real" fairies but they continue to give him a good ribbing and he ends up brushing it off.
Page invites Falstaff over for a drink because he thinks he's played a trick on his wife by sending Anne off with Slender. Slender comes back just then to announce that he almost married a boy. Mistress Page says that she arranged for Caius to take Anne but Caius comes back and says that he almost married a boy as well. Everyone is gobsmacked until Fenton and Anne come back and say they've eloped. They all throw up their hands and say "Ok I guess we'll make the best of it!" and everyone giggles and waltzes off to party down.
Phew. That happened. Now can we please resume the Henriad and get on with the monarchical and nationalistic controversies of Henry V? My Body is READY.
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