Here we are, with yet another “sandbox” play in which scholars believe they see Shakespeare testing the waters of concepts for his later, better plays. Gentlemen apparently anticipates Twelfth Night, Much Ado About Nothing, Love’s Labour’s Lost, Romeo & Juliet, etc. They use this as proof that Gentlemen is in contention for Shakespeare’s first play, before all else. Honestly, there are so many old guys debating the chronological order of publication/production that I can’t be bothered, but sure, fine, whatever. It could be a first play. It’s definitely not that great, but has some flavours of the greats. It’s diluted, like a holistic cure. It contains one part per million of Shakspeare.
It’s not performed very often, if that’s any indication of its quality. It’s only saving grace is Launce and his dog Crab, which is also its only real distinguishing feature: that play with the dog. And a little cross-dressing. It could actually work out great with the teen high school/college comedy treatment if you ask me. Otherwise, it’s pretty bland.
In good old Verona, Valentine and Proteus, best buds, say their goodbyes as Valentine leaves for Milan. “Let me know how it goes with Julia!” Valentine says as he heads for his boat because according to Shakespeare, every Italian city is a port city. Speed, Valentine’s servant, rushes in too late to join his master, but all Proteus cares about is what Julia said about the love letter Proteus gave him to give to Julia. Why Proteus didn’t ask *his* servant, Launce, to deliver it, I have no clue. Speed insists on payment for this missive and Proteus wants to slap him upside the head. After being compared to a sheep, Speed is in no mood to help and Proteus wonders aloud if he should get a different messenger (uh you think?).
Julia is hanging out with her girlfriend Lucetta in her garden, counting up her suitors. Lucetta breathlessly admits that Proteus is a thirst trap, though Julia is unsure about his commitment to her. Lucetta then reveals that she has the letter Speed had given her from Proteus. Julia thinks it modest not to read the letter, but she is dying to read it. Julia rips the letter up, but a moment later, she’s trying to put it back together. So ladylike.
Antonio, Proteus’ father, is chewing the fat with his servant Panthino. They discuss sending Proteus away for schooling and gaining general worldliness so he can be a REAL MAN. Antonio loves this and thinks Proteus should join Valentine to learn courtly shit. Proteus enters, prancing around, fawning over a letter Julia just sent him, but he tells his father it’s just something from his pal, reporting how cool it is hanging out in the Emperor’s court. Antonio says “Perfect! I’m sending you to meet him!” Proteus is not thrilled to be leaving Julia, but does not protest when he’s ordered to pack up and leave the following day.
In Milan, Speed discovers Silvia’s glove on the floor and Valentine gets a bit too excited (I imagine the actor sniffing it until it is up his nose). They talk about how Silvia asked Valentine to write a love letter for her to give to someone else, which is weird. Silvia shows up and he tries to give her the letter but she insists he keep it. After she leaves, Speed has to point out that obviously, she was asking Valentine to write it to HER. Dumbass.
Back in Verona, Proteus and Julia say their farewells and exchange rings as proof of their fidelity. Launce and his dog are preparing to leave with Master Proteus. Launce is none too happy, especially since Crab did not seem heartbroken while they were parting from Launce’s family. It’s quite adorable, actually, how dense Launce is regarding this beloved animal of his.
At the Duke’s palace, Silvia smirks as she watches her two suitors, Valentine and Thurio, try to out-wit each other to impress her. Silvia’s father, the Duke, tells Valentine that some guy named Proteus is arriving soon and Valentine is surprised and thrilled to know his friend will join him at court. Silvia wonders if Julia has rejected Proteus, but Valentine says not likely. Proteus enters and Valentine introduces him to Silvia and she is easily charmed by this new boy. Proteus and Valentine are left alone to catch up so Valentine asks about Julia and Proteus says nothing much what’s up with you and Valentine declares how he’s IN LOVE and Proteus makes fun of him. Valentine says the Duke is more keen on Thurio because he’s got better assets, but he and Silvia are engaged on the down-low and he asks Proteus to help him spirit her away in the night so they can elope. Proteus agrees but as soon as Valentine floats off on a cloud of love, Proteus soliloquizes about how he’s all but forgotten Julia and is dead ass smitten with Silvia because you know, men are to one thing constant never. He decides he’s gonna go for it, Valentine’s friendship be damned. Asshole.
Launce arrives in Milan and meets up with Speed, who says he’ll cheer up his friend with a trip to the alehouse. Proteus is stressing about his feelings, but he takes the decision to tattle on Valentine to the Duke about his elopement plans.
Julia, meanwhile, aches about Proteus to Lucetta and Lucetta’s advice is to NOT go run off to Milan because it’s so far away and dangerous but then Julia says “I’ll go as a boy!” and starts figuring out what to wear despite Lucetta’s doubts about this genius idea.
Proteus very eloquently spills Valentine’s plan to the Duke, who is so impressed by Proteus’ sycophantic loyalty. The Duke encounters Valentine (who is on his way to Silvia) and tricks him into revealing that he has a rope ladder hidden in his cloak along with a love letter to Silvia and he furiously banishes Valentine for his gall. Proteus and Launce find a crestfallen Valentine and warn him that the Duke will kill him if he doesn’t leave Milan. Launce believes his master to be a total douchcanoe, but he soon distracts himself with a list of his crush’s pros and cons. Speed reads the list and gives him shit, but Launce gets back at Speed by not telling him about his banished master.
The Duke and Thurio discuss how to win Silvia’s heart now that Valentine is out of the picture. They ask Proteus how to please her, and he recommends slagging off Valentine, but that if it comes from an enemy, she won’t believe it, so the Duke suggests Proteus do it. Proteus acts humble and “reluctantly” takes the on the task of demeaning his best friend and talking up Thurio to Silvia to change her mind. Proteus even gives Thurio a lesson on wooing.
In the wilderness of Mantua, Valentine and Speed encounter some outlaws (who were also gentlemen banished for one reason or another) and join their group because why not?
Proteus actually agonizes over what he’s doing to Valentine for no good reason, and on top of that, Silvia just tells him to talk to the hand. He and Thurio try to serenade her below her window while Jullia (in disguise) shows up to spy on Proteus. She aches when she hears him singing to this new bitch, even though Silvia rejects him because he already has a beau and he says “Oh no, Julia is dead and I’m pretty sure Valentine is too.” To get rid of Proteus, she tells him she’ll text him a photo of herself in the morning, and Julia is on the sidelines just dying.
Silvia decides to call up an old friendzoned suitor, Sir Eglamour, and asks him to help her run away and find Valentine and he’s totally into it and they agree to meet up at Friar Patrick’s place.
Launce tells the story of how he just tried to gift Crab to Silvia (because he lost the little dog Proteus gave him to give her) but the dog stole her capon leg from her plate and peed on a lady’s dress. Launce, being the gentleman he is, took full responsibility for everything the dog did, even though the dog doesn’t appreciate him. Proteus appears and asks how it went and berates Launce for fucking things up with Silvia. Proteus gives Julia a ring to deliver to Silvia, but it’s the same ring Julia gave to him when he left. UGH. Proteus wonders why his new pageboy friend of his feels bad for Julia. Julia agrees to deliver the ring and says she still loves him even though he doesn’t appreciate her. She even considers Silvia’s looks compared to her own and thinks “Well, at least he’s straying for a hot chick.” GURL PLEASE.
Silvia meets up with Eglamour as planned. Thurio and Proteus kibbitz about Silvia in front of “page-boy” Julia when the Duke comes asking where SIlvia is. They all shrug. He figures she’s fled to chase after Valentine and he orders everyone to go find her. Thurio just wants revenge on Eglamour.
Valentine’s Outlaw flunkies ambush Eglamour and Silvia, and Eglamour yelps and runs off instead of defending Silvia’s honour, so she gets kidnapped. Classy.
Elsewhere, Valentine is strolling through the forest, waxing philosophical about how much he loves Silvia and how awesome it is to be on his own so no one can prod him for pining. Proteus and page-boy Julia show up, having just rescued Silvia from the Outlaws. Proteus thinks Silvia owes him big time for the act of chivalry, but she detests how he has forgotten his beloved Julia and betrayed his best friend because he’s a total WANKER. He proclaims that none of that matters when you’re in love and he starts in on raping her. Valentine rushes over and pulls Proteus off Silvia, and condemns the shit out of him. Proteus is shocked, SHOCKED that someone has called him out and then immediately starts begging for forgiveness.
For some insanely ineffable reason, Valentine finds this to be the moment to prove his moronically profound depth of friendship and offers to step aside and let Proteus claim Silvia. Julia faints at this (which is really the only acceptable reaction to this asinine action), and as the men try to revive the “boy,” they realize he’s Julia and Proteus miraculously falls back in love with Julia and forgets about Silvia. What the goldfish level of attention deficit disorder just happened here?
The Outlaws barge in just then, dragging in Thurio and the Duke. Valentine steps between Thurio and Silvia, saying he’ll fuckin’ SKIN Thurio if he lays a hand on her, and Thurio backs right the fuck up, saying that she ain’t worth the trouble. The Duke is frankly disgusted with Thurio and accepts Valentine as Silvia’s husband. Valentine requests that the Duke pardon all his good bandit friends, they all go back to Milan, and everything's fine.
So that was dumb. Mildly hilarious in its bizarre execution. Proteus is just THE WORST. I can't believe Julia still wants to marry this clotpole. Launce should have shown up and Crab could have pissed on Proteus' leg. That would have been great.
Next week's play also has some bone-headed men doing bone-headed shit for their lady loves, but at least they do it with style.
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