Everyone in this play is a WHORE. Which is why this is the perfect piss-take on wartime politics for any occasion. It's a big messy mashup of the tragic Chaucer love story of the titular characters and major events in Homer's Iliad. As Thersites (the supposedly deformed and scurrilous Greek, according to Homer) so unfoolishly states: "Lechery, lechery; still, wars and lechery; nothing else holds fashion." He is the only character with any sense in the entire play.
Many signs point to the fact that this play was possibly never hosted at The Globe. There's no record of it being put on anywhere before 1898, and it may have been intended for a "pit of intellectuals" (compared to the common groundlings) like the lawyers at the Inns of Court. One theory is that it had been written solely for a single performance at Whitehall Palace. Who knows? All I know is that this one was a bastard nut to crack. The language is very often nearly untranslatable, as it is full of weird similes (almost no metaphors) and incalculable new words and phrases. Often, fully half the columns in the Riverside edition are footnotes!
Which is to say that I greatly enjoyed examining this singular play. Is it a romance? A war movie? A political satire? It is all of these things. Set in medias res during the Trojan War, starring all our favorite Greek and Trojan heroes, T&C really fucks with our assumptions about honor, truth, and legacy. It notably lacks Shakespeare's usual soliloquies and monologues (with the exception of the slave Thersites) about what the hell everyone is thinking.
This leads us to believe most of the characters are all one-dimensional people whose inspirations and motivations are all laid out for everyone to hear. The Greek commanders (Agamemnon, Nestor, Ulysses, Menelaus) all tend to piece together as one Greek war computer, each providing a wheel or cog of the machine that will contribute to the the war effort, with Achilles being the outward flourish (the Greek Army's "Achilles Heel" HAHAHA) who doesn't give a FUCK. The Trojans are factious as hell, however, with the poor disregarded women (Andromache & Cassandra) discouraging this war nonsense. Helen, the token vapid but pretty Valley Girl, is mere furniture. Cressida and her uncle Pandarus are obviously social climbers with some heart and some brains, but not enough to escape the unforgiving maw that is this wartime bullshit. Troilus has oodles of flowery words about love, but is naive as hell, and too quick to kowtow to his family's authority when his newly blossomed relationship is at stake.
Unfortunately (and I say unfortunately with no irony), this play is infrequently performed. I mean, it's long and loquacious and takes like, four acts to get to the real bloody action, I know. And it's inflated with egotistic characters and references to gods and goddesses and truly ancient history. Even Hamlet, the famous equivocator, puts his knife into someone by Act III, FFS. But T&C is jam-packed with Stygian and discomfiting insights and philosophy about mankind's tendency to conflate lust with honor in war. FUNTIMES! Seriously, though, It's a very rewarding read if you keep your nose to the footnotes.
As an opener, we have the (triumphant?) return of the Prologue! It does little more than succinctly remind us that the semi-kidnapping of a Greek tart named Helen started the Trojan War, because everyone knows that story already, DUH.
Troilus, one of the Trojan King Priam's many sons, refuses to fight in the war because his little brain is too busy thinking about the daughter of the traitor Calchas--the young Cressida--who doesn't even give two shits her father. The confidently brown-nosing Pandarus, Cressida's uncle (and the eponym for the word "pander"), sees Troilus and teases him about his pining after his niece, saying "He that will have a cake out of the wheat must needs tarry the grinding." Troilus feels he has been patient enough and deserves to be given the time of day by the golden apple of his eye. Pandarus starts singing Cressida's praises and compares her to Helen. Troilus says Cressida is the fairest of the fair, "In whose comparison all whites are ink." Pandarus says Cressida is indeed hotter than Helen and Troilus begs him to put in a good word with Cressida. Pandarus leaves and Aeneas come to ask Troilus why the fuck he's not fighting. Troilus shrugs and asks how the war is going. Aeneas reports that Paris got beat up by Menelaus and Troilus gives no shits about Paris.
Cressida and her servant Alexander gossip about Hector (Priam's most famous/valorous son) and Ajax (the greek commander) until Pandarus comes to scoff at Hector and fanboy about Troilus to her. The Trojan fighters start parading down the street and Pandarus squeals when Troilus walks by. Cressida pretends not to be interested but as soon as Pandarus leaves she admits that Troilus is a hottie and she is playing hard to get because she knows men desire best that which they do not have:
Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love's full sacrifice,
He offers in another's enterprise;
But more in Troilus thousand fold I see
Than in the glass of Pandar's praise may be;
Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing:
Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.
That she beloved knows nought that knows not this:
Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is:
That she was never yet that ever knew
Love got so sweet as when desire did sue.
Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:
Achievement is command; ungain'd, beseech:
Then though my heart's content firm love doth bear,
Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.
She's no dummy.
At the Greek camp, General Agamemnon sums up how shittily the war is going thus far and how disappointed he is in his commanders who act like this siege is proof that they suck and Greece is way better. He tells them that this is a test of their persistence and bravery:
Why then, you princes,
Do you with cheeks abash'd behold our works,
And call them shames? which are indeed nought else
But the protractive trials of great Jove
To find persistive constancy in men:
The fineness of which metal is not found
In fortune's love; for then the bold and coward,
The wise and fool, the artist and unread,
The hard and soft seem all affined and kin:
But, in the wind and tempest of her frown,
Distinction, with a broad and powerful fan,
Puffing at all, winnows the light away;
And what hath mass or matter, by itself
Lies rich in virtue and unmingled.
Nestor raises his hand and agrees wholeheartedly, saying that only the best men stand up to terrible odds. There is no honor in winning an easy fight. Ulysses (aka Odysseus) speaks next, delivering a rather long-winded speech about the fates and the planets out of alignment and how it is not that Troy is better, but that the Greeks have jealousy and resentment in their ranks and that must be sussed out before they have a chance. He singles out Achilles as example of their weakness:
The great Achilles, whom opinion crowns
The sinew and the forehand of our host,
Having his ear full of his airy fame,
Grows dainty of his worth, and in his tent
Lies mocking our designs: with him Patroclus
Upon a lazy bed the livelong day
Breaks scurril jests;
And with ridiculous and awkward action,
Which, slanderer, he imitation calls,
He pageants us.
Nestor agrees again, saying Ajax is starting to act the same way, and their best fighters are growing fusty in the process. He adds that Achilles' horse is worth more than him at this point. Just then, Aeneas comes with a message for Agamemnon: Hector himself grows sluggish and impatient and challenges the Greeks to choose a champion to fight him and if they win, he will hand over a fair lady as a prize. Agamemnon invites Aeneas for dinner and a tour of the camp to find their champion. Nestor and Ulysses stay back and decide that this challenge is definitely aimed at Achilles, but they must not send Achilles because that would only puff him up even more. Instead, Ulysses says they should send Ajax to fight Hector, for that will knock Achilles down a few pegs. If Ajax wins, Achilles' pride will be in check, and if Ajax loses, then they can send Achilles anyway; either way, the Greeks will win because they have put Achilles in his place. Nestor thinks this wise and they go to tell Agamemnon their plan: "Two curs shall tame each other: pride alone Must tarre the mastiffs on, as 'twere their bone."
Ajax and his conscripted servant Thersites argue and brawl over who is the bigger fool because Thersites refuses to tell Ajax what Agamemnon proclaimed. They have quite a violent row before Achilles and Patroclus arrive and break it up. Achilles tells Ajax about Hector's challenge and Ajax leaves to find out the details. Achilles say he is sure that if the choice of champion weren't put to lottery, he (Achilles) would be first choice (of course he thinks thus!)
Priam discusses the present situation with his sons. He says that the Greeks have once again offered to fuck off if they'd give Helen back to them. Hector expresses his opinion that Helen is so not worth the bloodshed and his brother Helenus agrees with him. Troilus points out that Hector himself "bellied the sails" of Paris' original quest to seek vengeance on the Greeks for taking their old aunt captive and he returned with Helen, a "Pearl, whose price hath launch'd above a thousand ships" and a "worthy prize." Troilus argues that giving Helen up would be dishonorable. "O theft most base, that we have stol'n what we do fear to keep!" he says sarcastically.
Hector is still not convinced when Cassandra, their mad sister, enters, spouting off about how Paris was originally prophesied to be a "firebrand" that would burn Troy to the ground. Hector tries to calm her and says to Troilus "Hello, even our batshit sister says we should give Helen up already." Hector argues that morality states that a wife should be with her husband, and taking Helen from Menelaus is therefore immoral. Paris gets a word in edgewise, repeating what Troilus said about Hector backing his plan for vengeance and that if he changes his mind now, people will no longer take his words seriously. Hector admits that Paris and Troilus have argued as well as their youth allows them, and while he doesn't agree with them, he knows they must keep Helen after all, since their honor is at stake. Hector says he is off to attend the challenge he proposed earlier. So, um, he made that challenge BEFORE he decided to be the devil's advocate for this family feud, and he is fighting for Helen anyway? Way to vacillate Hector.
Thersites rails to himself about how Ajax beats him in arguments and how ridiculous this whole war is and how Troy would fall whether or not it were taken by the Greeks because everything is terrible. He curses everyone and wishes they all get "Neopolitan bone-ache," aka syphilis (which they probably will, if we're being frank here). Patroclus invites Thersites to "come in an rail" and Thersites curses Patroclus most of all, wishing the worst plague upon him: Patroclus himself. Achilles joins them and Thersites proceeds to explain why he feels everyone is a fool. Agamemnon and his crew come and Thersites and Achilles walk off. Agamemnon tells Patroclus to bring Achilles out of his tent, for they know he is malingering. Ulysses, Nestor, Ajax & co. make snide remarks until Patroclus returns saying Achilles hopes they are all just taking an after dinner walk instead of seeking Achilles. Agamemnon tells Patroclus that they think Achilles is full of shit and is indulging his own renown too much and they will disown him if he doesn't get back to his job. Ajax is butthurt about how everyone seeks stupid Achilles' help and not his, but Agamemnon strokes his ego to ensure Ajax that he is not, in fact, chopped liver. Agamemnon says that Achilles' problem is that
pride is
his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle;
and whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours
the deed in the praise.
Ulysses is unable to convince Achilles to "untent his person" because Achilles is just too proud. Agamemnon tells Ajax to go talk to him but Ulysses insists that wouldn't work either, as it will engender further pride in Achilles. Plus, Ajax says he will just punch Achilles in the face. Ulysses, Nestor, and Diomedes convince Agamemnon that they must prepare to fight without Achilles and they further heap praises on Ajax, probably within earshot of Achilles, just to piss him off and convince the meathead Ajax to fight for them instead.
Pandarus sees a servant and they have an exchange of wits about music and what-not. he asks where Paris is and the servant says with Venus herself and Pandarus thinks he means Cressida and the servant gives him the side-eye and says "Um no, Helen." They chat until Paris and Helen come. Pandarus showers the bimbo-tastic Helen in praise like the ass-kisser he is and he even sings a song for them about love. Pandarus asks that Paris excuse Troilus from family dinner that night and they guess that he means to meet with Cressida and though Pandarus denies this, we all know what's really going down. Paris goes with Helen to meet Hector and he requests she help remove Hector's armor, like that will convince him that he made the right decision earlier. Sure.
Pandarus finds Troilus and Troilus obsequiously waxes poetic about meeting Cressida (comparing Pandarus to Charon leading the dead across the River Styx, like some fucked-up Cupid) and Pandarus leads him to her through the orchard. Pandarus calls her to them, way too excited to play the pimp. He leaves them alone for a few minutes. Cressida is very shy at first and she says she fears coming forward:
Blind fear, that seeing reason leads, finds safer
footing than blind reason stumbling without fear: to
fear the worst oft cures the worse.
Troilus flatters her as he tries to get in her robes, and they have an exchange that says A LOT about how men and women woo:
TROILUS: Nothing, but our undertakings; when we vow to weep
seas, live in fire, eat rocks, tame tigers; thinking
it harder for our mistress to devise imposition
enough than for us to undergo any difficulty imposed.
This is the monstruosity in love, lady, that the will
is infinite and the execution confined, that the
desire is boundless and the act a slave to limit.
CRESSIDA: They say all lovers swear more performance than they
are able and yet reserve an ability that they never
perform, vowing more than the perfection of ten and
discharging less than the tenth part of one. They
that have the voice of lions and the act of hares,
are they not monsters?
Pandarus returns, cheering them on, and Cressida warms, admitting that she adores Troilus and has ever since she first laid eyes on him. The only reason she didn't say anything is because she's a WOMAN and she's supposed to be seen (and fucked) but not heard:
My thoughts were like unbridled children, grown
Too headstrong for their mother. See, we fools!
Why have I blabb'd? who shall be true to us,
When we are so unsecret to ourselves?
But, though I loved you well, I woo'd you not;
And yet, good faith, I wish'd myself a man,
Or that we women had men's privilege
Of speaking first. Sweet, bid me hold my tongue,
For in this rapture I shall surely speak
The thing I shall repent. See, see, your silence,
Cunning in dumbness, from my weakness draws
My very soul of counsel! stop my mouth.
Troilus obliges to shut her up with a kiss. Cressida is embarrassed and starts to hate herself for letting this happen. She even presages what the audience knows about the old story of T & C:
I have a kind of self resides with you;
But an unkind self, that itself will leave,
To be another's fool. I would be gone:
Troilus insists that she's overthinking this and they should just give in to their love already. Shakespeare can't help but remind the audience that history will prove true the phrase "True as Troilus" and will call every cheating woman "As false as Cressid." Pandarus even seals the deal by saying all men who serve as "pitiful goers-between" will be called panderers. Pandarus literally leads them to bed and leaves them to make the beast with two backs.
Calchas goes to the Greek commanders and asks about returning the prisoner Antenor so they can get Cressida. Agamemnon agrees they will serve up Antenor and the challenge between Hector and Ajax will continue anyway because why not? We've been wasting away on a beach for seven years and we could use some entertainment. Ulysses points out that Achilles and Patroclus are watching from their tent and he says they should all pass by without noticing them, just to rile them. Agamemnon agrees and they pass by, with Achilles and Patroclus each trying to get a reaction from them, dumbfounded as to why their leaders no longer rush to kiss Achilles' feet:
What, am I poor of late?
'Tis certain, greatness, once fall'n out with fortune,
Must fall out with men too: what the declined is
He shall as soon read in the eyes of others
As feel in his own fall; for men, like butterflies,
Show not their mealy wings but to the summer,
And not a man, for being simply man,
Hath any honour, but honour for those honours
That are without him, as place, riches, favour,
Prizes of accident as oft as merit:
Which when they fall, as being slippery standers,
The love that lean'd on them as slippery too,
Do one pluck down another and together
Die in the fall.
Achilles catches Ulysses and they have a little philosophical debate (as one does on the battlefield for no reason) about how men know not what they are worth without other men telling them so:
'That man, how dearly ever parted,
How much in having, or without or in,
Cannot make boast to have that which he hath,
Nor feels not what he owes, but by reflection;
As when his virtues shining upon others
Heat them and they retort that heat again
To the first giver.'
To which Achilles says that's not weird at all because DUH eyes can't see themselves, so we need others to tell us how awesome we are:
The beauty that is borne here in the face
The bearer knows not, but commends itself
To others' eyes; nor doth the eye itself,
That most pure spirit of sense, behold itself,
Not going from itself; but eye to eye opposed
Salutes each other with each other's form;
For speculation turns not to itself,
Till it hath travell'd and is mirror'd there
Where it may see itself. This is not strange at all.
Then Ulysses gives a famous and dense retort about how men are not lord of anything because Time is most ungracious and so are humans who forget too easily:
Time hath, my lord, a wallet at his back,
Wherein he puts alms for oblivion,
A great-sized monster of ingratitudes:
Those scraps are good deeds past; which are devour'd
As fast as they are made, forgot as soon
As done: perseverance, dear my lord,
Keeps honour bright: to have done is to hang
Quite out of fashion, like a rusty mail
In monumental mockery. Take the instant way;
For honour travels in a strait so narrow,
Where one but goes abreast: keep then the path;
For emulation hath a thousand sons
That one by one pursue: if you give way,
Or hedge aside from the direct forthright,
Like to an enter'd tide, they all rush by
And leave you hindmost;
Or like a gallant horse fall'n in first rank,
Lie there for pavement to the abject rear,
O'er-run and trampled on: then what they do in present,
Though less than yours in past, must o'ertop yours;
For time is like a fashionable host
That slightly shakes his parting guest by the hand,
And with his arms outstretch'd, as he would fly,
Grasps in the comer: welcome ever smiles,
And farewell goes out sighing. O, let not
virtue seek
Remuneration for the thing it was;
For beauty, wit,
High birth, vigour of bone, desert in service,
Love, friendship, charity, are subjects all
To envious and calumniating time.
One touch of nature makes the whole world kin,
That all with one consent praise new-born gawds,
Though they are made and moulded of things past,
And give to dust that is a little gilt
More laud than gilt o'er-dusted.
The present eye praises the present object.
Then marvel not, thou great and complete man,
That all the Greeks begin to worship Ajax;
Since things in motion sooner catch the eye
Than what not stirs. The cry went once on thee,
And still it might, and yet it may again,
If thou wouldst not entomb thyself alive
And case thy reputation in thy tent;
Whose glorious deeds, but in these fields of late,
Made emulous missions 'mongst the gods themselves
And drave great Mars to faction.
Oh, that is good. I dare you to find a better summation and commentary on our human obsession with legacy and addiction to the 24-hour news cycle. I especially love how Ulysses compares the vision of the Mob to that of a T-Rex. Also, that oft-quoted line about "a touch of nature" is plucked out as something inspirational without proper context. Here, it's saying that "Nature" aka "time" or "the unfeeling universe" converts everyone to "kin" meaning the same dust to which we crumble when we die. It doesn't carry an ounce of the sense of benign brotherhood most people think it means when they find it printed inside a candy wrapper or a Frenchscript garden sign. HAHA. Everything is terrible. Sad face.
Ulysses prods Achilles further by saying he knows Achilles acts like he does because he's in love with one of Priam's daughters, to which Achilles says "Wha? Nah brah" and Ulysses is like "Oh yeah, we all know about Polyxena" *wink wink* and then he goes on to say all the Greek girls back home will be sad that the great Achilles' heart was won by a Trojan so good thing we have that stud AJAX to be our true hero. This of course spurs Achilles' jealousy.
Patroclus blames himself for causing Achilles' torpor (we all know what's really going on inside that tent) and Achilles calls Thersites over to see what's up on the field. Thersites reports that Ajax is indeed fighting Hector and will not speak to anyone for Ajax is so blinded by pride that he called Thersites Agamemnon. Achilles tells Patroclus to tell Ajax to tell Hector to come to Achilles' tent after the fight so Achilles can see how great Hector is and Thersites, eager to see how this shit pans out, agrees to send the message himself.
Paris bring Diomedes to Aeneas to pick up Antenor in exchange for Cressida and Paris makes an offhand remark about how he knows Troilus has spent the night with her and will be none too happy to see her go. Aeneas goes to find Antenor and Paris asks Diomedes "Hey, honestly, who deserves Helen more: me or Menelaus?" and Diomedes says "Pfft I give no shits because she is a whore who's fucked up my country and as far and I'm concerned both of you deserve her." Paris smiles and says "Oh you're just badmouthing the thing you're trying to buy to haggle a lower price." Call it sour grapes all you want, Paris, but Diomedes ain't wrong. Everyone in this play is a slut.
Troilus and Cressida tarry together in bed, wishing the night never to end when Pandarus knocks and makes jokes about how they haven't rested all night. Another knock comes and it's Aeneas to pick up Cressida for the exchange. Pandarus moans about how much this sucks and Cressida cries and swears she won't go, but Troilus, though shocked at Priam's decision, says he shall go to his family to speak with them.
Paris tells Troilus that he has to go to Cressida and tell her to go with Diomedes. Troilus says that doing so will be like he is presenting a sacrifice to an altar of his heart and Paris nods and says "There, there... it can't be helped, bro." Well, isn't that rich? Paris can't be asked to give up Helen (or even fight!) to end a war but he has enough energy to fake pity for Troilus who has to give up his woman even though he did nothing wrong? What a load of SHITE.
Pandarus tries to calm Cressida down but she is wracked with grief. Troilus comes and she runs to hug him and Pandarus remembers a song:
'O heart,' as the goodly saying is,
'O heart, heavy heart,
Why sigh'st thou without breaking?
where he answers again,
'Because thou canst not ease thy smart
By friendship nor by speaking.'
There was never a truer rhyme.
Troilus says "I love you, babe, but there's nothing for it." He spouts some sad lover's words and kisses her when Aeneas yells "Hey, what's the hold-up?" Cressida cannot believe what she is hearing. Troilus tells her to stay true to him no matter what. He gives her a bracelet and she gives him her glove and he promises to sneak into her Grecian tent to see her every night. He is worried that because he has no romantic skillz the famously seductive Grecians will steal her heart, and every time Cressida asks him "Do you honestly think I will cheat on you?" he says "No, of course not... but yeah." When she asks if he will be true, he say "Well yeah."
Aeneas, Paris, and Diomedes come to get Cressida and Troilus welcomes them and literally takes her hand and gives it to Diomedes. Troilus says Cressida is a fair treasure and that Diomedes doesn't even deserve to be her servant and he'll slit his throat if he hurts her. Diomedes rolls his eyes and basically says he'll do what he wants with her. Paris hears Hector's trumpet and Aeneas looks at his watch and says "Oh shit I was supposed to join Hector on the field and I am late!" Paris just says "It's Troilus' fault for taking so long saying goodbye to his bitch." These guys are THE WORST.
All the Greek commanders wait at Troy's gate, trumpeting to get their attention. They point out Diomedes coming over with Cressida and he hands her off for each of the men to paw her and kiss her, everyone except Ulysses, who asks somewhat politely and then decides not to kiss her after all. Diomedes takes her away to his tent and Ulysses goes on a rant about how she is nothing more than a tart.
The Trojan trumpet sounds and they send Ajax to meet Hector and Agamemnon asks who is that sad Trojan he sees? Ulysses answers:
The youngest son of Priam, a true knight,
Not yet mature, yet matchless, firm of word,
Speaking in deeds and deedless in his tongue;
Not soon provoked nor being provoked soon calm'd:
His heart and hand both open and both free;
For what he has he gives, what thinks he shows;
Yet gives he not till judgment guide his bounty,
Nor dignifies an impure thought with breath;
Manly as Hector, but more dangerous;
For Hector in his blaze of wrath subscribes
To tender objects, but he in heat of action
Is more vindicative than jealous love:
They call him Troilus, and on him erect
A second hope, as fairly built as Hector.
Thus says AEneas; one that knows the youth
Even to his inches, and with private soul
Did in great Ilion thus translate him to me.
Troilus is a problem to be watched carefully.
Just then, Ajax and Hector fight. Hector talks about how Ajax is half Trojan because his mother is Priam's sister and how he hopes not to drain any of his kin's blood. Ajax thanks Hector for his kindness. It's a stalemate. They agree that Hector should just go share some beers with the Grecians in their tents. Troilus joins them as well and they talk about Helen but Menelaus would rather not speak her name. Hector asks pardon for offending anyone. Nestor changes the subject by praising Hector and comparing him to Perseus and they have a bear hug. Ulysses and Hector have a short chat about how either war or time will eventually cast Troy's great walls down (really great conversationalists around here). Everyone wants Hector to feast from tent to tent.
Achilles and Hector, the biggest dicks in the ancient world, finally behold one another. They can't help but trade intimidations and details about how they will kill one another. Hector apologizes for being so rude and Ajax says to Achilles that they will soon have their chance to fight Hector again. Everyone goes off to Netflix and chill and Troilus asks Ulysses to lead him to where Cressida is being held.
Thersites, Achilles, and Patroclus insult each other again, with Thersites listing all the "rotten diseases of the south" that all their manwhoring will soon give them. Achilles reads a letter from Queen Hecuba of Troy, a message from Polyxena to keep his oath (to not fight). He vows to stick to this promise and asks Thersites to get his tent ready for the party that evening. The party group shows up, including all the Greek commanders and Hector and his bro. Ulysses whispers to Troilus to follow Diomedes to Calchas' tent and they go together while Achilles hosts the others.
Thersites eavesdrops on Troilus and Ulyssess eavesdropping on Diomedes and Calchas. Calchas calls in Cressida. She cautiously flirts with Diomedes and Ulysses thinks they should leave or else Troilus will get mad but Troilus insists they remain. Cressida is very reticent, but gives Diomedes the bracelet Troilus gave her, then calls herself a "false wench" and tries to take it back, along with her promise to meet him the next night. Diomedes won't give it back despite her protests and she admits that it was a token from her lover. She now knows that she will not keep her promise to him:
Troilus, farewell! one eye yet looks on thee
But with my heart the other eye doth see.
Ah, poor our sex! this fault in us I find,
The error of our eye directs our mind:
What error leads must err; O, then conclude
Minds sway'd by eyes are full of turpitude.
Any woman with an ounce brains and self-respect would know that they are in a tight spot and the only way to survive is to use their sexuality. Troilus cannot believe his eyes and ears (how dare she try to survive!). Ulysses says that was indeed the one and only Cressida betraying him. Troilus prefers to think this was a different Cressida, not his Cressida. He curses her name as well as Diomedes'. Aeneas finds them and they leave. Thersites stays and makes his famous comment: "Lechery, lechery; still, wars and lechery."
The next day, Andromache tells her husband Hector not to fight because she had bad dreams about it. Cassandra comes and Andromache tells her about her dreams and Cassandra joins her in the argument against fighting.
ANDROMACHE: O, be persuaded! do not count it holy
To hurt by being just: it is as lawful,
For we would give much, to use violent thefts,
And rob in the behalf of charity.
CASSANDRA: It is the purpose that makes strong the vow;
But vows to every purpose must not hold:
Unarm, sweet Hector.
But Hector still wants to go anyway because he holds honor in more esteem than love or life. DICKHEAD.
Troilus comes in and Hector discourages Troilus from fighting. Old Priam comes and argues that all the women of the household have had bad dreams and Hector should forget about fighting. Hector says he will not betray his honor and duty and he manages to convince Priam despite Cassandra's vision of Hector's death. Hector and Troilus prepare to leave when Pandarus comes with a letter from Cressida. Pandarus says he is sick with what happened to her and Troilus says the letters is shite:
Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart:
The effect doth operate another way.
*Tearing the letter*
Go, wind, to wind, there turn and change together.
My love with words and errors still she feeds;
But edifies another with her deeds.
Out on the plains before Troy, Thersites watches the shit go down with his usual vulgar (but truthful) insight:
Now they are clapper-clawing one another; I'll go
look on. That dissembling abominable varlets Diomed,
has got that same scurvy doting foolish young knave's
sleeve of Troy there in his helm: I would fain see
them meet; that that same young Trojan ass, that
loves the whore there, might send that Greekish
whore-masterly villain, with the sleeve, back to the
dissembling luxurious drab, of a sleeveless errand.
O' the t'other side, the policy of those crafty
swearing rascals, that stale old mouse-eaten dry
cheese, Nestor, and that same dog-fox, Ulysses, is
not proved worthy a blackberry: they set me up, in
policy, that mongrel cur, Ajax, against that dog of
as bad a kind, Achilles: and now is the cur Ajax
prouder than the cur Achilles, and will not arm
to-day; whereupon the Grecians begin to proclaim
barbarism, and policy grows into an ill opinion.
Troilus and Diomedes have at it while Hector sees Thersites and passes him by because he is just a fool. In the next scene, Diomedes tells his servant to fetch Troilus' horse to show Cressida how he bested him. Agamemnon comes to list off who has been defeated, including Patroclus, whose body Nestor says should be brought to Achilles, as that may shame him. Ulysses enters and says they can rejoice because Achilles is so incensed about Patroclus that he's arming for the fight.
Ajax and Diomedes fight over who gets to fight Troilus while Achilles finds Hector. Troilus says Ajax took Aeneas. Achilles and his Myrmidons hunt Hector while Menelaus and Paris fight. Thersites tries to talk his way out of fighting with Priam's bastard son Margarelon.
Hector has killed a man for his fancy armor and as he takes off his own to swap, Achilles comes upon him with his men and kills him and ties his body to his horse to drag him around the field. GREAT. The Greek commanders hear a trumpet and realize that Achilles has defeated the great Hector and they hope the war is ended. Troilus tells Aeneas that Hector is dead and they all have a cry about it. Troilus vows a verbose revenge:
Hector is dead; there is no more to say.
Stay yet. You vile abominable tents,
Thus proudly pight upon our Phrygian plains,
Let Titan rise as early as he dare,
I'll through and through you! and, thou great-sized coward,
No space of earth shall sunder our two hates:
I'll haunt thee like a wicked conscience still,
That mouldeth goblins swift as frenzy's thoughts.
Strike a free march to Troy! with comfort go:
Hope of revenge shall hide our inward woe.
Pandarus shows up and Troilus slaps him. Pandarus is left behind with the closing words that express his woe at how people of his vocation (traders and panderers) are both loved and loathed and he wishes VD on everyone in the audience.
Um. Damn. If this isn't a Ridley Scott movie begging to happen, I don't know what is. On second thought, it would be better delivered by Kathryn Bigelow. She wouldn't have much to go on as far as the characters' inner conflict but she'd at least showcase the acerbic wisdom it carries and possibly give the ladies some more onscreen respect. Yes, everyone is a whore, but of course, the men get away with it. #METOO
My dear college friend of Brooklyn, who knows my heart, took me to Central Park one bright June morning to camp out on the line for free tickets to the current Shakespeare In The Park production that just happened to be Troilus and Cressida. I was surprised they even considered it, because if you ask any Joe Shmo on the street if they'd heard of it they'd just shrug. The only actor I recognized was Corey Stoll, who was most recognized for his short-lived role in Netflix's first big self-produced gamble House of Cards (OMG remember when Netflix didn't make its own shows?). He played Ulysses and was pretty solid. It was stagnantly hot that night, and it taxed even this longtime Floridian resident. During the intermission, we hauled ass to the concessions, where they sold sangria slushies. Tell you what; that genius beverage went down like mother's milk. My friend, who is NOT a Shakespeare person, admitted that the show was pretty good and that Troilus could totally get it. I agreed.
The only film I could find was the BBC version from 1981, starring Charles Gray (known for playing bad guys in James Bond films) as Pandarus, John Snrapnel (whose face I recognized from Gladiator, and funnily enough, he played Nestor in that blockbuster bust Troy) as Hector, and our old buddy Anton Lesser as Troilus, whom I barely recognized as his much younger self. He played Exeter in four whole episodes of Hollow Crown, along with a billion other characters in the BBC world.
This one made some decisions about how to portray Pandarus and Thersites. Pandarus is certainly meant to be ridiculous, but here, Gray turned up the volume to Blackadder levels. Nearly A Bit of Fry and Laurie levels. So weird. Also, Thersites was essentially presented as a middle-aged Medieval era grungy sassy drag queen. Which I didn't hate. It totally works and he was by far the most fun and fascinating character in the whole 190 minute slog. I just find it a little irksome (though not surprising) that in the 80s, "deformed and scurrilous" translates to a flaming nonbinary man in a dirty dress.
I appreciated how Troilus and Cressida were entirely tender and charming together, which made the tragedy all the more horrible. I'm sure they cut chunks of the original text out, but it's so dang long and monotonous that I really couldn't tell. Could have been better, but it was all I had to go on this week.
Well, that happened! What an education. Brought me back to when we learned about all the Greek gods and histories in middle school gifted class. Actual FUNTIMES. Next week, we do All's Well That Ends Well, which I have almost no memory of whatsoever. This should be super educational, then. See you on the other side.
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